I know nobody was expecting me to say this, but I owe each and every one of you a sincere, heart-felt apology.
To those who voted for me: I’m sorry for creating an official-seeming context in which overtly hateful, misogynistic, and xenophobic language and sentiments seemed like something that mature and reasonable adults should engage in, and thus validating some of your worst, most aggressive, and most inhumane instincts. I’m also sorry that I put many of you in the position of having to ignore my incredibly vile traits while voting on issues that are of sincere importance to you, thus putting you in the position of having to deny and/or suppress extreme hatred and ignorance.
To those who didn’t vote for me: I’m sorry for getting away with this, because that’s exactly what I did — I got away with it! I gamed the system, looking for legitimate voter pain to exploit, and then exploiting it opportunistically, without conviction, sincerity, consistency, or sanity, while also pandering to many voters (i.e., alt-right fanatics, the Klu Klux Klan) whose pain is far from legitimate or reasonable. I’m also sorry for the fact that it’s so difficult for you to form intellectual and even emotional reactions to my shocking victory, because you’re still working on healing from your extreme physical reactions. In addition, I’m sorry for the ridiculous hat trick whereby I voted among you for most of my life, only to cross the aisle later in life, and then reveal I’d done so (surprise!) without conviction, for I’m a creature of neither the right nor left — nor center — but of my own whims, impulses, and temper.
To women: I’m sorry for having wandered into a terrifying hedonistic billionaire stereotype like something out of “The Wolf of Wall Street” on methamphetamines, so greedy to pleasure my own paunchy, orange, over-energized body that I developed a habit of engaging in sexual activity absent consent — much less interest, respect, or attraction — from the other parties involved. I’m also sorry for my addiction to the habit of describing and discussing you in largely bodily terms, as though I’m some bizarre creep who once burned down a porn shop and freebased the ashes for 89 hours straight.
To the woman I defeated: What can I say? You had me trumped (pun intended) in terms of intellect, experience, sincerity, sobriety, heart, guts, passion, maturity, and sanity, but still, as we know, I pulled ahead, first and foremost because I have a penis and you have a vagina, but also because I somehow (consciously or otherwise) managed to create a country in which the vote got rocked by way of humanity’s most despicable impulses. Oh, and by the way, I’m sorry for the abuse, the bullying, the yelling, and the literal stalking, all of which are simply part of what I do.
To black people: They asked me what I intended to do about the many of you who get killed while unarmed by our law enforcement officers, and rather than answer I said what we need in this country is more law and order, thus creating the impression that the problem is you, the danger is you, and the enemy is you. Gee, no wonder the Klan is cheering! Anyway, yeah…I was apologizing, right? So, I’m sorry for putting you on the chopping block like that. The truth is, I’ve never met any of you, and I certainly don’t socialize or speak with any of you, so I had no personal frame of reference for your pain when I threw all of you under the bus. And P.S., Gosh, I’m sorry about that birth certificate stunt I pulled with President Obama. That was just me being the human spectacle that I am.
To Mexican-Americans: I said that I would build a wall. It was a cartoonish idea, with no relation whatsoever to reality, which would probably cost some $25 billion, but despite its outwardly hallucinatory and ridiculous nature, I kept going with it, because I got the feeling that some people might hate you, so I figured I’d jump right in and hate you, too. It wasn’t personal. In fact, with me, it’s never personal! The same way it’s not personal when a shark attacks a human; this is just the way I’m wired. Where was I? Right, Mexicans. And Latinos in general: Sorry for stripping you, and everybody else who’s not white, of your basic humanity and turning you into pieces upon my chessboard (okay, let’s be honest — checkers).
To Muslim-Americans…and all other immigrants: I said I would kick you out, but then downgraded that to planning on instilling a more aggressive immigration policy, but on the trip from one statement to the other, I certainly created a great deal of panic and confusion! So let me clear up any confusion: See, my campaign only worked because I’d say something outrageous and then my handlers would sweep in and say a more moderate, watered-down version of my original inflammatory bullshit. It was what they call “having your cake and eating it, too.” I’d throw one bone to the lunatics in our population, then my team would throw another, similar-looking bone to the more sane and decent people (of whom I certainly hope there will soon be none left!). There were never any policy plans underneath; I just wanted attention, votes, and power. So again — Not Personal! And just as soon as I decide what I intend to do about your fate and citizenship, I have no intention of keeping it a secret. I will let you know!
To the LGBT Community: Certainly, I have no objection to bisexual and bi-curious women who are 8s or above, so do trust that I have some context of appreciation for your people. Just the same, it seems that my colleagues would be enthusiastic about me rolling back your freedom to marry, so that’s going to be something I’ll be taking a look at. For this, you have my sincere apologies. It’s just that I’ve figured out a system wherein stoking people’s hate and anger seems to put them in my corner, so I have to keep working that angle, because I’m a businessman and hey — I stick with what works!
To Jews: Jeez! I bet you guys almost thought you were in the clear! Save for the ongoing marginal psychotic invective that’s aimed in your direction as a matter of course, it’s been quite a while since there’s been mainstream hatred against you. This has to come as a disappointment given how deeply and responsibly you’ve assimilated yourselves into our culture at every level, and for that — believe me — I am sorry. But you know, when that guy at my rally chanted “Jew-S-A!”, and when my other supporters created Trump signs with swastikas instead of Ts, I had no hard data on how widespread those sentiments really were. So I had to keep those guys on my side. See, I’m just very, very loyal. It’s one of my good traits (perhaps the only one), depending on who’s receiving the loyalty. It’s not that I want you guys getting hurt…it’s just that I don’t care.
To Children: I know, I know — this is a rough one. The president’s supposed to be a role model, right? Gosh, I certainly fucked that one up! I mean, I’m addressing children right at this moment, and I just used the word “fuck”! I’m a pervert, an assaulter, a bully, a racist, an anti-Semite, and a liar. I’m clueless, I don’t study, I don’t read books, I can’t complete full sentences, my vocabulary is limited, and I use too many exclamation points! (Like just then! And now!) So you young folks are going to have to go at this one alone. I’m so sorry. I’m sure there are plenty of heroes in your local police and fire departments, or at least there will be until I roll all that stuff back on account of some imaginary anti-socialist mandate.
To Abuse & Rape Victims: Meet your new Trigger In Chief! The mere sight and/or sound of me lights up that center in your brain that’s permanently scarred because of what some other asshole who I remind you of did or is presently doing. Well, I’m going to be continuing in my position as a major media staple, so you’ll probably soon become post-numb with post-traumatic stress from my seemingly eternal presence in your lives. Turn off the TV! Turn off the computer! But before you do, know that I am sorry.
To Abusers & Rapists: Dear God, I certainly owe you fellas an apology. I mean, the last thing your hot heads and loins needed was inspiration from the highest office in the land, but now you’ve got it, and all that shit you were ashamed of suddenly just became a lot easier to cope with. That face in the mirror? It belongs to you. You just haven’t looked at it for a long time because you’ve done so much to make you hate yourself. But welcome back! You can look now. And you can even talk yourself into not worrying about the cops showing up for what you’ve done (and probably continue to do) because a dude like me is in the White House. It sickens me to have made you so much sicker, but I figured when you’re fucking up absolutely every single goddamn thing, restraint really shouldn’t be an option.
I’m sure I’ve missed plenty of other deserving groups and individuals (like the disabled, but seriously, who would think about them?), so whether or not I got to you specifically, please trust in this:
Seriously. I fucked over the entire world.
And oh, one last thing:
Of course I’m not sorry! I didn’t even write this letter. This apology, like everything else that pertains to me, is one giant maniacal fantasy.
Now back to fantasy land…
Donald J. Trump